The Geeky Wives

Both my therapist and my sister-in-law have told me about a particular study where a stranger was asked to hold an infant while it’s mother was out of the room. Some of the time, the stranger was told the baby was a girl, sometimes the stranger was told the baby was a boy.

The difference in the communication with the baby was striking. When the stranger thought the baby was a boy, the baby was handled more roughly. And when the baby cried, the stranger asked, “What’s wrong?”

When the stranger thought the baby was a girl, the baby was handled more gently. But when the baby cried, the stranger didn’t ask what was wrong. The stranger told the baby, “You’re okay.”

Telling someone that they are okay implies that whatever is bothering them isn’t true or real. We tell baby girls that they are okay when they’re crying because of the belief that girls shouldn’t express negative emotions. Women, have you ever been harassed by a stranger who tells you to smile, that life isn’t that bad? Well, how the hell should they know?

It’s the same with babies — from our perspective, it doesn’t seem so bad. But from baby’s perspective, the world could be a very uncomfortable and scary state.

I’m trying not to tell my baby girl that she’s okay when she cries. I try to ask her what’s wrong — the first step in teaching true emotional intelligence.

This entry was posted on Thursday, June 23rd, 2011 at 10:00 am and is filed under kate. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.